Tell The Truth To Keep Potential Partners
In this episode we will explore the number one cause for arguing and fighting and what can lead to the eventual break up in any relationship.
You’ll benefit from years of testing and learning from hundreds of sessions and feedback from real world situations.
The tools I reveal in this episode as well as the other’s produce reliable and predictable results.
Tell The Truth Scene 1: The setup losing a potential partner
Bill and Susan had become dance partners at the local nightclub where they did weekly lessons. Overtime they became quite fond of and comfortable with each other and decided to start dating.
Like most couples there is a lot of passion and excitement in the first few weeks.
And there were certain expectations and patterns of relating that got established from the get go: when they would see each other, patterns of affection, who would cook or clean up afterwards, preferences for making love, ways of communicating differences, and so on.
On week 6 Bill became alarmed.
The self talk went something like this…”she’s not touching me as much… she blames me when she feels bad rather than taking responsibility… she’s so sensitive… I have to be more careful with what I say or do around her”…and so on.
He also notices a familiar pattern of anger that surfaces when she doesn’t get a dance move right after many times practicing it.
He knows the source of the anger and continues to do his best to deal with it without “leaking” his “knee jerk” reaction too much on to her.
Susan, on the other hand, is apprehensive about Bill’s ability to create income and is fearful of his ways of thinking in certain areas of his life. He has expressed more than once his fear that the new company is taking longer than expected to get going.
He’s also shared that he is tapping into his long term retirement account to fund his new startup.
In short, Susan is conservative and Bill is not afraid of risk and it’s causing a riff.
When differences emerge in relationships, there is a collision of beliefs and unconscious dialogue that happens.
Each person’s beliefs and values are “butting” up against the others and causing reactive behaviors.
Most of the time these reactive behaviors will begin unconsciously and cause a reaction in one or both people.
In this situation Bill feels Susan pulling away which triggers anxiety and insecurity along with reactive behaviors that compounds the problem…
Susan is also caught between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand she wants to preserve her retirement nest egg and not put herself in a situation where she might have to pick up the slack for Bill if he fails at his endeavor, but on the other hand she loves dancing with him several times a week and likes the friendship.
And if she falls in love with him that would make it even harder. (oh, God forbid! ...but I digress…)
One could almost write a similar story for every potential couple on the planet. Just change the characters and the symptoms a little and they generally look the same.
The question is what to do about it?
Tell The Truth Scene 2: The solution for not losing potential partners
2 Powerful Steps To Foiling Fear (And letting truth win out)
- The first step couples can take to clear out any unconscious reactions to each other is to name the fear out loud to the other person.
- The second step is to describe your fear in a way that the other person doesn’t feel attacked or judged.
There are many ways to do this that I will share in later blogs. Be watching for them…
One way that works is to describe your fear in such a way that the other person feels you are wondering what in you is going on that makes you react the way you do.
If we use the Bill and Susan example above it might sound something like Susan saying, “Honey, I realize this morning that after you shared your challenges about your business yesterday I’ve been having these incessant thoughts that I better be careful. And after thinking about it for a bit, what I realize is I fear…”
Tell The Truth Scene 3: The secret formula for making it work
What is essential to make this work is having a tone of genuine curiosity and an intention to reveal what the meaning is you have on your reaction and to question it’s validity or not.
With a deeper conversation Susan may discover her fear is unfounded and feel more connected to Bill. If she doesn’t investigate it further… well, fear wins out.
The beauty of this approach, especially if you use it early on in the relationship, is it puts the other person on notice that you are willing to talk about concerns openly and without blaming each other.
When done effectively it helps you to rewire the value of healthy communication so any “glitches” in your memory systems from early in life can be updated with more accurate information. (See the article on implicit and explicit memory)
Tell The Truth Scene 4: Your homework to stop losing potential partner
- Take your current relationship or a past relationship and write down the challenges you are facing.
- Ask yourself, what is/was my core want or desire I am after that makes this a challenge?
- How did I learn to communicate my wants when I was little and what were the consequences of communicating them?
- What will I do different next time? The answers to these questions will offer you clues as to what is motivating you respond the way you currently do and whether or not it may be wise to get help changing your belief systems around healthy communication.
Now, if you are on the blog take a moment and write your comments and questions below. This will help you to articulate what you are needing more of and help me to know what to write in future articles.
Then click one of the share buttons to the left so others can benefit as well. It’s good karma. That’s all for now…
See you in the next episode…
