More Intimate Relationship? Develop Self Awareness First

I don’t know anyone who would not want more intimacy in their relationship. I often write (and preach…lol) about how our unconscious is running the show most of the time.

The unconscious is always nipping at your heals. Knowing how it works reveals a hidden secret to making your relationships work better.

One evening while in dance class dancing with my partner I had an experience that perfectly illustrates my point. It illustrates how your experiences can surface hidden beliefs that interfere with healthy relationship communication and blocks intimacy.

Let share an experience with you so you can see how this works.

Watch Your Reactions and Question Them...

Here was the situation. I love to dance. My partner and I were practicing a pretty complex west coast swing move at the time. It was the type of move where I had to rotate my partner in a certain direction and keep a certain amount of tension between us to make us spin easier.

What I noticed was she was rushing the spin. (This is the important part of the lesson.) At that moment I blurted out with a tone "you're rushing it" and she blurted back "you're turning me!"

Then I said to myself, "that was interesting" and realized it was the first time we actually had some emotional tension between us since we started dancing together a month or so earlier. I sensed there was a "charge" behind my communication and she picked up on it.

Realize now, it doesn’t matter who said what in any argument or fight. What matters is where you want to go with the conversation after you’ve been triggered.

The next day, in my meditation practice I played the scenario back over-and-over again – feeling into what was going on for me at that moment.

I came to the conclusion that I have a belief that I won't get my needs met unless I communicate what I want in a "tough guy" or "I'm right you're wrong" tone.

Ask yourself, "How is This Familiar To Me?"...

The "tough guy" communication style was pretty typical in my home as a youngster so this awareness didn't surprise me. Not a great way to induce more intimacy in any relationship!

The question then remains, "How do I change the reaction?" You first have to accept it's "Your" reaction and the other person is simply the trigger.

Realize you are tapping into a memory and an old belief system whenever you are reactive.

This is the portal to change the dynamic forever.

This memory host your beliefs and values and knee-jerk reactions based on fear.
Once you realize your triggered, as quickly as possible move into curiosity. Curiosity is the antidote to fear.

Depending on your age you are probably already aware that when we come from fear rarely do we get what we are wanting. It is best to pause, get grounded, and question our reaction.

Then Track Emotions and Related Sensations...

After you notice a knee-jerk reaction, pause, and tune into your body sensations and emotions. Separate them out. Then ask yourself, "How is this familiar to me?" When you ask yourself the question, tune into your body almost as if you are waiting for an answer.
Don't be attached to the answer or when it comes. Simply take the first response and see if it feels true to you. Do not guess.

You might even see how the experience keeps repeating itself. Maybe an argument or fight about the same topic. I talk more about that here.

Now, in my day-to-day experience when I'm relaxed and conscious, I don't speak that way to people. Yet, under the right conditions, my unconscious belief leaked out from long ago.

There is beauty in noticing your reaction and "owning" your belief around how to get your needs met. With awareness you can change that unconscious mental model.

The first skill I teach people in my coaching practice is to learn to feel so you reconnect your mind and body...

When you get good at noticing sensations and emotions in your body, you'll open a gateway to your unconscious. The language of the unconscious mind is sensations and emotions.

Get good at this, and it will be easier to identify where the memory is coming from and its intention.

Keep practicing this skill and it will pay great dividends in all your relationships. (My experience also tells me it may take several times before you get it right so don't be too hard on yourself if you make the same mistake a few times)

To summarize the key points for more daily intimacy:

• Unconscious beliefs will "leak out" under moments of stress and are the beginning of why we lose more intimacy.
• It's up to each of us to notice them, reflect on the related needs trying to be met, then create new mental models for the future that are more effective.
• Sensations and emotions are the gateway to changing the unconscious belief.

Homework For More Intimacy

• Today, or over the next few days notice how you respond to people.
• Notice your tone, notice your bodily sensations that offer clues that something may be going on out of your awareness.
• Then reflect on moments where you responded less than optimal.
• Ask yourself "what needs are trying to get met?" and is there a better way of communicating my needs that will serve me and other better?

The payoff for becoming aware of our unconscious beliefs or habituated patterns is monumental.

The more your practice it will become second nature then you'll wonder how you ever operated without the practice. My goal is for you and your closest friends and family to live a life full of love and fantastic relationships so please share these articles with them so they can benefit as well.

By clicking on the share links to the left you are helping to create a positive ripple that affects the whole planet in a positive way. Thank you for that!

Also, please post your comments below and ask what questions you may have so you and others are encouraged to learn from each other.